Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconbrassteeth: More from brassteeth


Featured in Collections

Literature by halcyonshores

Prosetry and Others by ingle-nook


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
June 5, 2010
File Size
1.6 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,067
Favourites
37 (who?)
Comments
47
×
i. Long-Distance

And so we stayed true
to that hormone laced
heart crossed
airport lounge
promise.
Cigarette nervous
yet stifled,
we parted
and vowed to love
the impossible
long-distance.

ii. Landlocked

Whispered words
hummed softly
these lurid tunes
cast vibrato
along the vast slouching wires
of our opposing
xenophobic
church pyre landscapes,
elongated pauses
manifest as false adoration,
loose, lonely,
despite the distance, our words
landlocked.

iii. Chemically enhanced to age

And we loved afar,
not by sky fetched satellites
or whimsical billboard technologies
nor a digital duality soon to cease
stripped of its glue backing,
but with perfumed letters,
languid messages
pressed fresh with star tittles,
and marked with the flourish
a fading and always false
memory,
trite tomes written
upon art-house parchments
chemically enhanced to age.

iv. Copenhagen

Until
the stoney steps of beating blood
retreated, ebbed
from the Danish clouds
across two summers (or more),
in an apexed,
chesttight moment 
I knew you were gone,
lost even before the airport clutch
before our last touch
before we even met,

I knew you had become
foreign
to me.
Sometimes we lose them to Denmark
Add a Comment:
 

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I know you wanted a critique on this, but honestly there is very little I would change. The imagery is sharp and clear. Your vocab is masterful. The story is heart-wrenching.

My only niggle is the over abundance of commas. You've got them after a lot of line breaks, but the line break itself produces the pause the comma is meant to signify. For example:

Whispered words
hummed softly,
these lurid tunes
cast vibrato,
along the vast slouching wires

You could remove both commas in that section and the flow would be unchanged because the breaks are appropriately placed. If I were you, I'd revise your comma use so that you only use them when it is grammatically important to do so. It will improve the aesthetics of the piece greatly.

Also, this spot confused me a bit:

airport lounge
promise,
cigarette nervous
yet stifled,
we parted

"airport lounge promise" seems like it should be the end of one thought, so instead of a comma I expected a period. Are those two images supposed to be connected so closely? It just doesn't compute in my head right the way it is written. :B

Other than a bit of punctuation, I really would not change a thing. The short, choppy line breaks really made me slow down and enjoy the images and the story that unfolded was one I think many people can relate to on some level - particularly with the advent of the internet and all the dating "possibilities" it holds. :P

Excellent write. :+fav: I'm sorry I can't offer a fuller critique, but then, that just means you've got a gem already. :)
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012
Thanks so much. I will review and take that excellent feedback on board. I agree. I need to learn to do that. I just write in my head and put it up. I need to do more of that or employ an editor :)

Thanks again. I appreciate the time you took to critique this as I know how much you put into the community.

Kindly,

Chris.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is looooong, but VERY useful if you're unsure about whether to use a comma or a period or let the line speak for itself: [link]
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012
Again Thanks. I will take a look. Advice already taken on Copenhagen.
:heart:
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
Love so often ends as a cold bronze statue by the sea. Distant in grey fog.
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
Nicely said.
Yes it does :nod:
Thanks for the read.
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
Thank you for the write, Chris.
Reply
:iconmartinsilvertant:
MartinSilvertant Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2012  Professional General Artist
Remarkable poem. I'm very curious though what the division in chapters means and also more specifically what the word tittle means in the context "pressed fresh with star tittles".
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2012
Hi, in this context Tittle:
— n
1. a small mark in printing or writing, esp a diacritic
2. a jot; particle

The idea of the breakage was to break the message down for a chapter or segment that showed each feeling or moment both as a whole and a a slow build. The title of each corresponds to the final words of each stanza. Except the final stanza, where the heading is copenhagen but it is left unsaid in the final lines for greater effect, one of trailing away.

I am glad you enjoyed and I must thank you again for your generous and honest reviews I will start with reading the work of yours you linked and try soon to respond to your exceptional analysis.

Kindly,

Chris.
Reply
:iconmartinsilvertant:
MartinSilvertant Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012  Professional General Artist
Ahh I only know "tittle" as the typographic term for the dot in 'i' and 'j'.

It's strange I didn't see that pattern where the last sentence — or end conclusion in a way — is the title of the chapter.
Reply
Add a Comment: