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i. Long-Distance

And so we stayed true
to that hormone laced
heart crossed
airport lounge
promise.
Cigarette nervous
yet stifled,
we parted
and vowed to love
the impossible
long-distance.

ii. Landlocked

Whispered words
hummed softly
these lurid tunes
cast vibrato
along the vast slouching wires
of our opposing
xenophobic
church pyre landscapes,
elongated pauses
manifest as false adoration,
loose, lonely,
despite the distance, our words
landlocked.

iii. Chemically enhanced to age

And we loved afar,
not by sky fetched satellites
or whimsical billboard technologies
nor a digital duality soon to cease
stripped of its glue backing,
but with perfumed letters,
languid messages
pressed fresh with star tittles,
and marked with the flourish
a fading and always false
memory,
trite tomes written
upon art-house parchments
chemically enhanced to age.

iv. Copenhagen

Until
the stoney steps of beating blood
retreated, ebbed
from the Danish clouds
across two summers (or more),
in an apexed,
chesttight moment 
I knew you were gone,
lost even before the airport clutch
before our last touch
before we even met,

I knew you had become
foreign
to me.
Sometimes we lose them to Denmark
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The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I know you wanted a critique on this, but honestly there is very little I would change. The imagery is sharp and clear. Your vocab is masterful. The story is heart-wrenching.

My only niggle is the over abundance of commas. You've got them after a lot of line breaks, but the line break itself produces the pause the comma is meant to signify. For example:

Whispered words
hummed softly,
these lurid tunes
cast vibrato,
along the vast slouching wires

You could remove both commas in that section and the flow would be unchanged because the breaks are appropriately placed. If I were you, I'd revise your comma use so that you only use them when it is grammatically important to do so. It will improve the aesthetics of the piece greatly.

Also, this spot confused me a bit:

airport lounge
promise,
cigarette nervous
yet stifled,
we parted

"airport lounge promise" seems like it should be the end of one thought, so instead of a comma I expected a period. Are those two images supposed to be connected so closely? It just doesn't compute in my head right the way it is written. :B

Other than a bit of punctuation, I really would not change a thing. The short, choppy line breaks really made me slow down and enjoy the images and the story that unfolded was one I think many people can relate to on some level - particularly with the advent of the internet and all the dating "possibilities" it holds. :P

Excellent write. :+fav: I'm sorry I can't offer a fuller critique, but then, that just means you've got a gem already. :)
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012
Thanks so much. I will review and take that excellent feedback on board. I agree. I need to learn to do that. I just write in my head and put it up. I need to do more of that or employ an editor :)

Thanks again. I appreciate the time you took to critique this as I know how much you put into the community.

Kindly,

Chris.
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is looooong, but VERY useful if you're unsure about whether to use a comma or a period or let the line speak for itself: [link]
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012
Again Thanks. I will take a look. Advice already taken on Copenhagen.
:heart:
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
Love so often ends as a cold bronze statue by the sea. Distant in grey fog.
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
Nicely said.
Yes it does :nod:
Thanks for the read.
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
Thank you for the write, Chris.
Reply
:iconmartinsilvertant:
MartinSilvertant Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2012  Professional General Artist
Remarkable poem. I'm very curious though what the division in chapters means and also more specifically what the word tittle means in the context "pressed fresh with star tittles".
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2012
Hi, in this context Tittle:
— n
1. a small mark in printing or writing, esp a diacritic
2. a jot; particle

The idea of the breakage was to break the message down for a chapter or segment that showed each feeling or moment both as a whole and a a slow build. The title of each corresponds to the final words of each stanza. Except the final stanza, where the heading is copenhagen but it is left unsaid in the final lines for greater effect, one of trailing away.

I am glad you enjoyed and I must thank you again for your generous and honest reviews I will start with reading the work of yours you linked and try soon to respond to your exceptional analysis.

Kindly,

Chris.
Reply
:iconmartinsilvertant:
MartinSilvertant Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012  Professional General Artist
Ahh I only know "tittle" as the typographic term for the dot in 'i' and 'j'.

It's strange I didn't see that pattern where the last sentence — or end conclusion in a way — is the title of the chapter.
Reply
:icondamagedhomewrecker:
DamagedHomewrecker Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is absolutely gorgeous. stanza three is my favoriteeee.
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012
Thanks.

And thanks for the two faves, I appreciate you reading and glad you enjoyed.
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
beautiful. heartsore and honest and so very lovely. :heart:
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012
Thankyou:heart:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2012
Ah, Denmark...

This hit me hard. Long distance relationships are hell. Great imagery, though. :)
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2012
Thankyou!
Reply
:iconmeganbreukelman:
meganbreukelman Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2011  Professional Photographer
so pretty.
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2011
Thank you.
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2011
While congratulating you for the DLD received on this wonderful piece, the contents of the poem also saddens me from what it reminds me of, of real times and real memories. Denmark being only one of such places for loss. <3

:+favlove:
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2011
Thanks, wonderful that the piece had an emotional impact on you. Sorry it was connected to sorry and loss, but I could expect nothing less I guess, with the mood of the poem. Thanks so much for commenting.
Reply
:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations on your DLD BT. :)
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2011
Thanks Ron. Always appreciate your encouragement!
Reply
:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
And I yours :)
Reply
:iconlosttimamachine:
Losttimamachine Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2011
Heartbreaking, filled with sorrow, but undeniably true.
Beautifully written, and brought tears to my eyes.
The last three lines are amazing, and will most likely haunt me for some time.
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2011
Thanks for such wonderful feedback!
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2011
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) and has been selected as our “Pick of the Day”.
It is featured in a news article here: [link] and on our main page.

Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2011
Thanks so much for your support. It is you guys who deserve all of the praise. Thanks for being fantastic community members.

Bt.
Reply
:iconrequiemsandreveries:
RequiemsandReveries Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2010
Wow....in a good way
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2010
Thanks!
Reply
:iconrequiemsandreveries:
RequiemsandReveries Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2010
For sure!
Reply
:iconforwinds:
forWinds Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
that last line, how it brings sorrow and pain to my heart... perhaps it's not what you intended, but I thank you for bringing me that emotion nonetheless. made my heart swell.
Reply
:iconthetaoofchaos:
thetaoofchaos Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2010   Writer
gosh!!! i find an overwhelming attraction to the artistry of your emotion, as well as a tremendous fear of the accuracy of this masterpiece.

probably the best of yours i've read.

:+favlove:
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2010
Thanks!!
Reply
:iconelmara:
Elmara Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2010  Student Writer
i am so in awe of your talent with words; brilliantly inspiring work! the images are so visceral and etheral at the same time that all i can do is shake my head in wonder at the awesome manner in which you've captured and presented them. Kudos!

:salute:
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2010
Thank you so much for such a lovely compliment.

Very nice of you to say,!!!
Reply
:iconelmara:
Elmara Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2010  Student Writer
no problem and seriously, pleasure's all mine! :worship:
Reply
:icontingtingwindchimes09:
wow this is amazing as usual :) I really like this part "these lurid tunes
cast vibrato,
along the vast slouching wires
of our opposing
xenophobic
church pyre landscapes,
elongated pauses
manifest as false adoration" btw you spelled stifled wrong in one part, you said stiffled instead of stifled I really like how anyone can relate to this piece, even if they have not experienced the same thing, they can feel the emotion
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010
Thanks you so much...! Of course..
Reply
:icontingtingwindchimes09:
hehe no problem :)
Reply
:iconprettycrazy:
PrettyCrazy Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Wow...

"Lost even before we met"...
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
Thanks!!!
Reply
:iconpiscesandthediamonds:
Piscesandthediamonds Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
a fading and always false
memory,
trite tomes written
upon art-house parchments
chemically enhanced to age.

and the last bit...the chest-tight feeling :( ohhh....
:heart:
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
Lovely feedback...
Thanks so much!!!
Reply
:iconpiscesandthediamonds:
Piscesandthediamonds Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
you deserve more :)
Reply
:iconpiscesandthediamonds:
Piscesandthediamonds Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
ohhhhhhhh :(:(:( this has made my eyes a watery glass...
this really belongs in a book....
the sadness is a shovel to the heart *ouch* I do love it so much...possibly masochistic lol.
Wow...you really know how to engage and affect :heart:
Your vast, vast talent :clap:
Reply
:iconetre-aime:
etre-aime Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2010
the whole thing felt vibrant and truth-laced and you do a lovely job of phrasing things "in an apexed, / chesttight moment,". I love the story behind the words, I love the characters.

the one thing I wondered about was the very final stanza. I almost felt "I knew you had become / foreign / to me" could have been the end. for some reason "thoroughly / immersed / in Copenhagen." didn't resonate. maybe because the title of that section and the title of the poem were both Copenhagen, the final repetition of the name felt unnecessary.

great work. thanks for the read.
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2010
great feedback. I agree with you. I think I will make that change!!
Reply
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Submitted on
June 5, 2010
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