literature

Copenhagen

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brassteeth's avatar
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Literature Text

i. Long-Distance

And so we stayed true
to that hormone laced
heart crossed
airport lounge
promise.
Cigarette nervous
yet stifled,
we parted
and vowed to love
the impossible
long-distance.

ii. Landlocked

Whispered words
hummed softly
these lurid tunes
cast vibrato
along the vast slouching wires
of our opposing
xenophobic
church pyre landscapes,
elongated pauses
manifest as false adoration,
loose, lonely,
despite the distance, our words
landlocked.

iii. Chemically enhanced to age

And we loved afar,
not by sky fetched satellites
or whimsical billboard technologies
nor a digital duality soon to cease
stripped of its glue backing,
but with perfumed letters,
languid messages
pressed fresh with star tittles,
and marked with the flourish
a fading and always false
memory,
trite tomes written
upon art-house parchments
chemically enhanced to age.

iv. Copenhagen

Until
the stoney steps of beating blood
retreated, ebbed
from the Danish clouds
across two summers (or more),
in an apexed,
chesttight moment 
I knew you were gone,
lost even before the airport clutch
before our last touch
before we even met,

I knew you had become
foreign
to me.
Sometimes we lose them to Denmark
© 2010 - 2024 brassteeth
Comments47
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LiliWrites's avatar
I know you wanted a critique on this, but honestly there is very little I would change. The imagery is sharp and clear. Your vocab is masterful. The story is heart-wrenching.

My only niggle is the over abundance of commas. You've got them after a lot of line breaks, but the line break itself produces the pause the comma is meant to signify. For example:

Whispered words
hummed softly,
these lurid tunes
cast vibrato,
along the vast slouching wires

You could remove both commas in that section and the flow would be unchanged because the breaks are appropriately placed. If I were you, I'd revise your comma use so that you only use them when it is grammatically important to do so. It will improve the aesthetics of the piece greatly.

Also, this spot confused me a bit:

airport lounge
promise,
cigarette nervous
yet stifled,
we parted

"airport lounge promise" seems like it should be the end of one thought, so instead of a comma I expected a period. Are those two images supposed to be connected so closely? It just doesn't compute in my head right the way it is written. :B

Other than a bit of punctuation, I really would not change a thing. The short, choppy line breaks really made me slow down and enjoy the images and the story that unfolded was one I think many people can relate to on some level - particularly with the advent of the internet and all the dating "possibilities" it holds. :P

Excellent write. :+fav: I'm sorry I can't offer a fuller critique, but then, that just means you've got a gem already. :)