And so we stayed true to that hormone laced heart crossed airport lounge promise. Cigarette nervous yet stifled, we parted and vowed to love the impossible long-distance.
Whispered words hummed softly these lurid tunes cast vibrato along the vast slouching wires of our opposing xenophobic church pyre landscapes, elongated pauses manifest as false adoration, loose, lonely, despite the distance, our words landlocked.
iii. Chemically enhanced to age
And we loved afar, not by sky fetched satellites or whimsical billboard technologies nor a digital duality soon to cease stripped of its glue backing, but with perfumed letters, languid messages pressed fresh with star tittles, and marked with the flourish a fading and always false memory, trite tomes written upon art-house parchments chemically enhanced to age.
Until the stoney steps of beating blood retreated, ebbed from the Danish clouds across two summers (or more), in an apexed, chesttight moment I knew you were gone, lost even before the airport clutch before our last touch before we even met,
I know you wanted a critique on this, but honestly there is very little I would change. The imagery is sharp and clear. Your vocab is masterful. The story is heart-wrenching.
My only niggle is the over abundance of commas. You've got them after a lot of line breaks, but the line break itself produces the pause the comma is meant to signify. For example:
Whispered words hummed softly, these lurid tunes cast vibrato, along the vast slouching wires
You could remove both commas in that section and the flow would be unchanged because the breaks are appropriately placed. If I were you, I'd revise your comma use so that you only use them when it is grammatically important to do so. It will improve the aesthetics of the piece greatly.
Also, this spot confused me a bit:
airport lounge promise, cigarette nervous yet stifled, we parted
"airport lounge promise" seems like it should be the end of one thought, so instead of a comma I expected a period. Are those two images supposed to be connected so closely? It just doesn't compute in my head right the way it is written.
Other than a bit of punctuation, I really would not change a thing. The short, choppy line breaks really made me slow down and enjoy the images and the story that unfolded was one I think many people can relate to on some level - particularly with the advent of the internet and all the dating "possibilities" it holds.
Excellent write. I'm sorry I can't offer a fuller critique, but then, that just means you've got a gem already.
Hi, in this context Tittle: — n 1. a small mark in printing or writing, esp a diacritic 2. a jot; particle
The idea of the breakage was to break the message down for a chapter or segment that showed each feeling or moment both as a whole and a a slow build. The title of each corresponds to the final words of each stanza. Except the final stanza, where the heading is copenhagen but it is left unsaid in the final lines for greater effect, one of trailing away.
I am glad you enjoyed and I must thank you again for your generous and honest reviews I will start with reading the work of yours you linked and try soon to respond to your exceptional analysis.
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Endorell-Taelos is very well known within the community for her selfless giving and gracious community spirit. Since joining DeviantART over seven years ago, Alicia has continued to make a positive impact on many deviants. Her helpful and thoughtful approach was one of her finest attributes when serving as a Community Volunteer, and this has continued throughout the many contests which Alicia provides on a regular basis. As we approach our Birthday celebrations, we can't... Read More